If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
When drinking a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the fat in the chocolate bar.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka). 
Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, mints, Maltezers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes).
Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up cause calorie leakage.
Foods licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream; apples and red jelly snakes.
Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.
Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass. In fact some research suggests it may have negative calories if you eat it while standing at the sink.
Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his / her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)
If you eat equal portions of white chocolate and dark chocolate. The calories in each will cancel the other out.
Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults.
Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates the calories
If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories.
Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.
Leftovers - An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories